Last week we started to look at hospitality through the lens of disability, thinking about what it means to be inclusive; welcoming people with disabilities in our churches and communities and moving our welcome from issues of accessibility to issues of belonging.

Our discussion today moves that along as we consider how our hospitality involves building genuine relationships between able bodied and disabled people rather than just meeting their physical needs.

Craig

We need to initiate a culture change. Let me begin with an example which illustrates the challenges disabled people face as they engage in everyday life.

I was on the tube in London a few weeks ago. It was a relatively empty carriage. As I sat down, the guy opposite me was looking at his phone. He eventually looked up at me and went, “oh”, really loud. He got up, walked down to the other end of the carriage and sat down again. Obviously he saw my disability and was shocked. There was no other thing that could have caused him to move, and I could see where his eyes went. It’s happened to me a few times in my life, but it was just so obvious simply because of the part of my body he was looking at. 

A few days later I was talking to someone who’s a therapist, and I was recounting the story because it was still resonating negatively in my body. And she asked me a question: she asked me ‘what did you feel like doing?’ And my answer was that I wanted to hide.

And then she asked, ‘if someone had been there to intervene, what would have been helpful?’ That was just a really perceptive question. Because the thing that a lot of people may expect, and that part of me wanted to say would be to ask him “how would you feel if I treated you like that?” But I thought a bit more deeply about it and replied, “what I would like to have happened is for somebody to have said, ‘have you both got 10 minutes for us to sit down and help you discover each other as human beings?’” Because ultimately, that’s what fear stops us from doing. But fear is rooted in that impulse to push others away, or maybe to run away ourselves. 

So I think that’s what I mean when I talk about initiating a change f culture. Churches could be a place where we’re real with each other, where we can have those conversations.

James

This reminds me of a conversation I was party to between someone with limited abilities and a pastor. She was saying that the fear of doing something wrong holds us back. She was always begging us to overcome that fear. “Do it! Ask the questions. Be thoughtful”. She wanted us to start asking because it begins that process of establishing real and honest relationships. When someone does come to your defence, or intervenes, it helps. Whereas the fear would say, “oh, don’t get involved”. You might just be pouring petrol on the fire!

Craig

Let’s go deeper still, and connect it to the 1 Corinthians 12 passage. If Paul is saying that we need those people and they’re indispensable, I think it’s because people with a physical disability have no choice but be who they are. They can’t grow legs that work, or they can’t change their physical appearance. It’s impossible. So therefore they have no choice. But other people around them can pretend and that is what locks us in unreality.

But if we get beyond the pretence and acknowledge the reality, then we discover the fact that everybody who makes up that church community has things they’re afraid of, has things that are different that they would try and hide – but we don’t know about them. So the person who can’t help but be different can be a gift to the body if we allow them to be present as they are. I believe that acknowledging their difference could help us all admit that all of us would benefit if we were more real with ourselves and each other.

Julie

Are we talking about creating a safe space, a culture where we can all share vulnerably? Perhaps what disturbed that man on the tube was that he could not be faced with vulnerability in that moment. We don’t know, do we? Because you didn’t get to have that conversation and it would have been lovely to find that out. And there’s a vulnerability, James in asking the question “what can I do?” isn’t there? And we make ourselves vulnerable because we’re worried about getting it wrong or causing offence when that would look bad on us. So it’s all about vulnerability, and creating the type of church we’re describing is about creating a safe space. And I know that’s an overused word, but it’s a safe space for people to express their vulnerabilities and therefore go deeper and discover real things about one another.

Helen

I think this is something that churches can definitely do, because a person who’s disabled may well be more dependent on others. There are certain things that need to be put in place to enable that person to be fully part of the community. 

But we understand that children are dependent, and we make the necessary adjustments for them. We understand that older people become more dependent over time, and we make the adjustments they need too. And all of us need relationships. We all need forgiveness. We all need companionship. People in church know that. And so any difficulty in integrating people who are disabled seems quite surprising when you stop and examine it.

Julie

I’d just like to push back a little: I’m seeing some older people, as they become more vulnerable or more dependent struggle. There’s a refusal or an inability to accept the need for more help or dependence. So perhaps creating a culture where we can be more real about our vulnerabilities would help people accept vulnerability as time progresses.

Craig

Yeah, I think you’re right. I think it would.

Julie

It feels like the countercultural thing, if we’re thinking about the ways God’s kingdom might be different. Being vulnerable is not a popular idea in the world in general. It’s not good to be vulnerable, is it? And so this is perhaps a a really important value that churches should espouse.

Helen

Yes, I agree. It pushes back against that idea that we should all be independent, and competent and productive. We are describing something that’s more relational.

James

And in that vulnerability our own pride is challenged, maybe by becoming more able to expose our own vulnerabilities? I’m reading about the 7 deadly sins, with pride being the number one: the sin from which everything else stems. To present yourself as competent and capable is a great temptation in this world. But to say “I’m sorry”, “I need help”, “I got it wrong” are all essential, I think, to deeper relationships. It’s just not something that the world which doesn’t embrace Jesus’ values will understand.

Helen

Let’s pause here, but I look forward to taking this further. Next time I will ask ‘what would it look like if a disabled person isn’t just integrated into our services at church, but is genuinely missed by the community when they aren’t there?’