Helen

At the end of our last blog Julie was saying that she recognised the power shift when new church members begun to volunteer to take on significant roles in church, which perhaps made her feel more comfortable about whether they were burdened by taking on those roles.  In this example, the guests had become part of the host group, and had done so gladly!

In this post we will look at how hosting people can change the host as well as the guest.  It’s something that Christine Pohl talks about in her book ‘Making Room: Recovering Hospitality As a Christian Tradition’. We’ll also explore our thoughts around immigration, poverty and social belonging.

Craig

As you’ll know from other blogs, my wife and I hosted asylum seekers over 5 or 6 years. And they would obviously always be from different cultures. And what you learn about individuals, but also about other cultures, through getting to know individuals in this way is fascinating. But what we learned about ourselves was probably even more profound. 

For example, during our assessment to become hosts, a question entered my mind and it was “do we need to inform our insurers?”

If we were to invite someone into the house who then ransacks the house, are the insurers going to say, “you should have told us that they were in the house. You aren’t insured”? Having hosted numerous individuals since this assessment I can say that every one of them treated our home with the utmost dignity, so much so that I’m ashamed to admit that this was one of my first questions.

I had decided that even if it had an unexpectedly negative implication for us I would still not be hesitant about hosting, but the fact that I asked myself the question most was certainly highlighted by the difference between the amount of stuff we owned and the very small bag most of them brought with them into our house. 

We also realised all the considerations we needed to make around sharing our house; How much do we value the privacy of our front room? Can they come in and out of the front room without asking? Will we give them a key or would we prefer them to spend the day out of the house, maybe in the library, or somewhere else? All those kind of questions come into focus. How open is our home to people that we don’t know very well? Are there any boundaries, and where are they?

Helen

And I wonder if you had to ask yourself, Craig, or whether it was a given that if there were going to be boundaries, who set the boundaries? Was it just you and your wife as it’s your house, or was it you deciding with your guests? Because that’s where the power really lies, isn’t it? Even if you are the most welcoming and hospitable person, and you’ve welcomed people into your home for weeks or months at a time, you still get to choose who is allowed, and for how long and what the arrangement looks like. And that’s interesting because it’s not necessarily the case that you would want to have that power, but it comes with the role of host.

Craig

I’ll be honest and say that these were not questions I had thought about, even after we had volunteered to be hosts. In fact, I am not somebody who is very good at setting boundaries at the best of times. Maybe because I’m not very good at knowing my own wants and needs until they go unmet for any extended period. And then I become resentful, which to be honest I did experience at times when we were hosting asylum seekers. There was a Muslim lad who used to flood the bathroom floor every time he used the family bathroom. And he also had an alcohol problem and I lost a few bottles of good red wine. 

But in the grand scheme of things, what do these niggles matter? Except that they did at the time!

Helen

I was also interested by what you said, Craig, about how people came from different backgrounds and different cultures, and you got to experience living with these people and experiencing their culture. I wonder if it changed you.

Craig

Oh, massively in so many ways.

Probably the most profound one I’ve already referred to in a different blog post, was the person from Iraq whose family was wiped out by the bombing raids where the American and British bombers were flying night sorties trying to kill Saddam. I was profoundly affected by her story and it had me near tears for weeks. I learned that every individual brings something completely different which informs and changes my understanding of very human issues.

One of the most difficult aspects of hosting was when we had language barriers. This prevented us from making the relationship what we wanted it to be. Because their limited knowledge of English, together with my limited ability to describe things with my hands, would really frustrate me. You would be amazed how much you use your hands in communication. I can’t point to something, for example, and that would really frustrate me and it prevented us from properly connecting.

But when we could connect I got to see how they experienced our culture, and seeing it through their eyes affected how I saw our western values and our culture too. I learned so much from them.

Roy

Yes, I understand what you are saying, Craig. We had the experience of having Ukrainians living with us for 18 months, and previously having Varduyi from Armenia, in our family, and living with us for a little while with Joshua.

I think it links with our value of listening well.

We listened to her life story; hearing about the societies from which she came, in Armenia and Ukraine and that made me think about some of the things that were seen to be important in my upbringing and the culture that I’m part of.

I had to think about not taking water for granted, having the ability to heat and light a home, or simply not living in a conflict zone. It was very challenging, but we were enriched by the experience of having those people living with us. 

Equally, we’ve had people living with us temporarily, who were literally struggling to put any food on their table. And listening to their experience of poverty and how it impacted their lives gave me a new perspective. I knew in theory that people had these experiences of life in our country, but until you’ve really listened to those living it first hand … Yeah, I was a bit oblivious to it, really. And it then shapes you. 

Julie

Thanks for sharing that Craig and Roy.