Have you ever had success in helping another person see their biases? (cont’d)

Roy

As a Companion of the Northumbria Community, I have embraced a Rule of Life which provides an interpretive framework to my life. So as I seek to live out my love of God and my neighbour the rule can be likened to scaffolding upon which I seek to build my life and live out my faith. It’s also like a mirror that is held up before me which challenges as well as encourages me.

It can challenge my own biases but can also be a really helpful mirror to hold up before other Companions in the community.

The image of the mirror can be very helpful in a variety of contexts where you find yourself challenging other peoples biases. I remember being in a meeting where there were an equal number of women as men present. We were discussing an issue and, as I sat there listening, all I could hear were the voices of predominately alpha males. I hesitated but plucked up the courage when one of the men in the group stated that it was really important that we listen to everyone. I interjected and asked if I had heard him correctly:

“Did I just hear you say that it was important to listen to everyone?”, “Yes, you heard correctly – What are you trying to say?”, he replied. “You’ve said it’s important to listen to everyone, but I’ve sat here listening to us discussing and I haven’t yet heard any of the women speak. The only voices I’ve heard are of us dominant men”. It was an uncomfortable moment but it registered something important.

Challenging biases is not easy. I was recently playing in a pickleball tournament, (you’ll have to google it if you don’t know sport what I’m referring to). During a break between games I got into conversation with some of my fellow team players. They are a really friendly bunch and we enjoyed playing together but a comment from one of them caused my hackles to rise. One of our team had just become a volunteer with the RNLI. This triggered a very uncomfortable few moments when another team member responded: “Well, good on you, but I’m not giving a penny to support that lot. They keep rescuing those terrorists and spongers who are bringing our country to its knees. All they have to do is leave a few to drown and that will stop the problem”. An awkward silence ensued. It was really embarrassing but I couldn’t leave it to go unchallenged. 

On the Enneagram scale I am predominantly a 9 – which means a Peacemaker – and I have a 1 wing: an Idealist/Reformer. If you know anything about such types, you’ll appreciate that I do not find confrontation easy, (does anyone?). It would’ve been much easier to let the comment go but I could see by the silence that followed his pronouncement, that something needed to be said. Everything within me wanted to denounce him and angrily rebuke him but would that have changed his mind? I’m not convinced. Instead, I asked him why he felt so strongly. What followed was a really engaging ten minutes discussion with all four of us, which I found so encouraging. Our discussion was cut short by the need to return to the courts but as we came out of the changing rooms at the end of the days tournament, ‘N’, who had come out with such a strong, racist statement, thanked us and said that we, the three of us, had made him think. I’m not sure whether he has changed his opinion, moderated it or remained trenchant in his views but it was good to have challenged what he said. Behind his strongly racist bias lay, no doubt, a whole host of contributory factors. For example, we learned through our conversation together that he had lived for a number of years in Kent and had seen the boats on the Channel. He had witnessed the impact of thousands of people arriving on our shores and the pressure that put on local residents and the authorities within the area where he lived. We discovered that it was one of the main reasons why he had relocated, in retirement, to Northumberland.

There is always a reason why we are and what we say and do and these reasons are not always obvious. This is why listening well and thinking deeply are really important life values.

Coming up next in our extended Discernment series – Does God have a master plan?