Do I call myself a Christian?
It feels very apt for me to be considering the question of whether I would call myself a Christian at this time. Whilst Simon first posed the question at the time of Bishop Mariann Budde’s beautiful sermon at the inauguration of Donald Trump, I am considering it about 18 months after the Collective’s initial blogs were written, and in that time we have had the opportunity to witness how incredibly relevant Budde’s prayers were. But aside from thinking about the term ‘Christian’ in the light of how world events have affected it’s interpretation, I’m considering this question exactly 20 years after I ‘became a Christian’.
As I look back 20 years, I am reflecting on the time had my significant encounter with God after a lifetime as an atheist; a moment that changed my life forever. Having come to terms with that encounter I started going to a Baptist Church. It was a brilliant church with fantastic leaders and ministers and a congregation remarkably broad in its beliefs and outworking of faith. I worshiped among people who believed some really wacky (and definitely NOT Christian) things, and some very traditional, evangelical Christians, all rubbing together with care and mutual respect. Over time, with excellent guidance from thoughtful and insightful ministers, I was able to explore theology, God and Jesus as well as my own experiences of life and faith and I think I grew enormously as a Christian in those initial years of faith. I discovered that what marked them out was the way they followed Jesus in their every day lives, their commitment to justice and their determined kindness. The point here is that my first experience of church and collected ‘Christians’ was wide, varied, overwhelmingly loving and the best expression of ‘Christianity’ that you could hope for. And that was my foundation, so for a long time I had no reason to question what it meant to ‘be a Christian.’ They were, we were, I was. It was simply the label attached to people who follow Jesus, people of justice, people whose outworking of their faith was to make their slice of the world a better place, no matter their expression of that faith.
However, over 20 years I’ve inhabited Christian spaces where many people have been wonderful, but others have behaved in ways that seem to me to be antithetical to the teachings of Jesus. Whilst many of the people I have met exhibit grace, generosity and deep thoughtfulness, too often I have seen people’s ego at the forefront of their behaviour. I’ve been amongst bigots, I have witnessed objectively immoral behaviour. I’ve been criticised and made to feel less because I’m a woman. I’ve heard terrible arguments for excluding people from church and Christian circles. Of course I’ve also seen the Christian right in America hijack the term ‘Christian’ in ways that have made me despair. Most often these people justify their beliefs and behaviour as ‘biblical’, as though there is only one way to interpret the bible: their way.
So where once I would have said that calling myself a ‘Christian’ was a shortcut and descriptor that I think people would have a set of expectations about, and which I broadly fitted within, I now find that some people outside of church circles might have different ideas. I’ve seen Christians described as ‘ignorant’, ‘gullible’, ‘immoral’, ‘manipulative’, ‘abusive’, ‘exclusionary’, ‘judgemental’, ‘politically far right leaning’, and, in one post I’ve read ‘The scammers that run the pyramid scheme we call Christianity [who] work hard at keeping the scam, funding their parasitic lifestyle’. I very much hope I’m none of those things.
And within Christian circles, because of the work I’ve been doing on my own understanding of my faith, I’m no longer sure how well I fit when I enter a room of Christians; I am generally on the margins – a pioneer, a left leaning liberal, a holder of fully inclusive theology. I don’t go to church anymore, and although I have a number of unpaid roles within Christian organisations and groups, as well as volunteering with the chaplaincy team at my local hospital, I don’t currently have any official paid ministry so am I a minister? At this time I don’t fit the identity markers that many use for a Christian.
Furthermore, I’m not sure about what aspects of ‘Christian faith’ I believe at the moment, having released some of the doctrines, tenets and dogma that I can’t get behind. So I have genuinely had to ask myself the question – quietly, and in my head, am I actually a Christian by any known standards?
The truth is, I just don’t really know any more. The only thing I’m really certain about is Jesus. The person and life of Jesus is one that I love and aspire to. I see in Jesus a mind, spirit and life that is more Godly than any other human that I’ve heard of. I see a man who was closer to God, more in tune with God, and who lived the outworking of God’s love more fully than any other person. He was wise, inclusive, forgiving, insightful and wonderful with people, he had integrity, was authentically the person God made him to be, and lived and died for his beliefs. I aspire to be the best version of myself that I can, using Jesus as my guide and inspiration.
But I have to be honest, I feel less certain about most of what goes around him now i.e. church, doctrine and tradition. With that in mind, I think that many people would tell me I’m not a Christian! But I would rather list what I am: not right wing, not prepared to accept an interpretation because someone else says it’s ‘biblical’, not a traditional church leader or a traditional accepter of doctrines. I’m not evangelical and I don’t evangelise and I’m not convinced that church is the only way forward for our faith.
Perhaps I’d describe myself as a ‘follower of Jesus’. But more likely I’d say I’m a ‘disciple’. I think that term describes someone who is learning from and actively practicing the teaching of Jesus. Yes, I think, all pretentiousness aside, I’d say I am a disciple.
